Bring on the tears

LOVING TWO

I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship.
 Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. 
And I wonder: how can I ever love another child as I love you?

Then he is born and I watch you. 
I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you have never shared me before.

I hear you telling me in your own way "Please love only me." 
And I hear myself telling you in mine "I can't" knowing in fact that I never can again.

You cry. 
I cry with you. 
I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. 
A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. 
I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying him - as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass and we are settling into a new routine. 
The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we once shared, just we two. 
There are new times - only now we are three. 
I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other. 

I watch how he adores you, as I have for so long. 
I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments. 
And I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you - I've given something to you. 

I notice that I am no longer afraid to openly show my love to both of you.

I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. 
And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. 
Yes, I can love another child as I have loved you - only differently. 

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I know you'll never share my love. 
There's enough of that for both of you - you each have your own supply.

I love you - both. 
And I thank you both for blessing my life. 

- Author unknown 

Surviving hell week, or has it just begun?

Tom had to go to the states for 8 days this past week. We have known about this since September and I was lucky he was able to switch his trip- it was originally planned for late March. Well I knew it would be hard being heavily preggo with Jax solo 24/7, but then this weak pelvis thing happened and really made a hard week even harder, but WE DID IT! I must say- my family and I are so lucky to have such amazing caring friends here in London. Jax and I were very well looked after by homecooked dinners, playdates, check in phone calls and texts, and even the borrowing of my friend's au pair for when the pain was too bad to run after Jax. I walk away from this past week and besides for feeling beyond exhausted I am so lucky.
Lucky for the fact that my son is the sweetest and most caring boy in the world.
Lucky for the fact that even though this pregnancy hasn't been the easiest- it definitely hasn't been the worst.
Lucky that my husband works and studies as hard as he does so I can stay home and raise my boys.
Lucky that we made this crazy move to London 2 1/2 years ago- because we are very lucky to call the friends we made here FAMILY.

On another note- my hormones are OOC (out of control). I cannot talk to Tom without either crying or giving him an attitude about anything and everything. I am in full blown nesting mode but I am incapable of actually cleaning anything- which is literally making me crazy. Hopefully, I can sort out a cleaner to start this week and make this place shine like the top of the Chrysler building- anything less will just not be acceptable. And the lack of sleep is really starting to take its toll. Since September I wake for at least an hour between 3:30 and 4 and starting the past 3 nights I have had the lovely pregnancy joys of heartburn. Stealing 2-4 hours of sleep from a pregnant lady 6 weeks before her newborn arrives and takes away all of it does not help me keep my hormonal, irrational, thoughts and outbursts in check- nor does it make my husband happy.

Ultrasound tomorrow! Hopefully BK is still average size and not getting too big :o)

Mmmm Mmmm Good

http://www.sugarfreemom.com/recipes/crock-pot-balsamic-chicken-thighs/










DELISH! and soooo easy! like I mentioned a few weeks ago adding more options for dinner is on my goals for the new year. I have been doing really well- at least one new item a week- but this was the best by far! taking advantage of the crock pot is very important to me bc once BK2 arrives I'm thinking it will be the only way for me to make dinner for the fam. this meal was cheap, easy and 2 year old toddler approved! it is definitely going into the regular dinner rotation!

Baby, Baby, Baby no name

I am 30 weeks today! Because of the gestation diabetes again, I will have a C-section in 8 weeks. I have known I was pregnant since 4 weeks- which means we have had 26 weeks to come to some kind of agreement on a name... we haven't! It's driving me absolutely bananas! Here's hoping we come to some kind of decision in the next few weeks.

In other pregnancy related news I officially am the proud new owner a glamorous pregnancy belt and a physical therapist. The belt- or as my husband calls it- the weight lifting brace- is exactly that. It lifts some of the weight off my pelvis and constrains my hips so I have more support. One would think I have gained 60 lbs reading this (photo included as evidence). Now here is the worst part- I am supposed to wear sneakers all the time too!!!!! WHAT?! Granted my Uggs aren't attractive but sneakers should only be worn to the gym! So this is where my head is at right now- not only do I look like a whale, I walk like an 80 year old penguin, I am wearing all black to try and hide this belt, but no you are telling me I have to wear sneakers?! Here's hoping these next 8 weeks go fast!

30 weeks- sans sneakers

potty training HELL!

If there was a person one could hire to parent your child, potty training is when to hire said person!
Mother Of God!
I am very lucky and blessed to say that this past weekend was one of the hardest parenting weekends ever! Keep in mind- my son has been using the potty at least 2 times a day for the last 10 months- so for this to be this much of a struggle was unexpected to say the least! Lets just say- I, my son, the floors, his slippers and the dog all smell like pee! We have been locked inside for 5 days now trying to master this potty thing and we are making progress but- also up to our eyeballs in pee pee. Now if he can only learn to poo, aim, and pull his pants on and off by April when his brother arrives we will be in good shape! Wishful thinking?

his attire for the past week has been undies sans pants :o)

Where did my Baby go?

Tom and I want to grow Jax's hair long- no long like a girl but Mason Disick long - chin length and super cool. Well, Jax's hair was not cooperating with our vision. It was only grown over his ears and no where else so he looked a little Amish. Everyone kept saying it was time, including Tom because it was getting a little ridiculous. I would gel it and hairspray the "wings" back behind his ears, but that would only work for about an hour. Well, yesterday I finally caved and allowed our friend (a hairdresser) to cut his hair. She said she would only cut the "wings" but had to clean up the black and front too. 

during

before

Jax was the perfect client- didnt blink and eye and sat so patiently asking for lunch. The end result is cute, handsomer (as if that is really even possible), and he still looks like my baby- not a big boy... or so I thought. Well, Dad comes homes, you know the one who has been talking me into cutting his hair for months, and HATES it! some of the things that came out of his mouth yesterday- "where did my little boy go?" "I can't look at you with a haircut", "you are like a teenager now", "I want the old Jackson back" . Are you kidding me?! You wanted this and now you cant handle the result- DRAMA QUEEN!

after (with a grape)

P.S. this morning when Jax woke up Tom says- "I just can't get used to it!" Unbelievable! Haha. 

That Pregnancy Glow

Generally, I have a fairly healthy diet...except when I'm pregnant! Granted, I once again have gestational diabetes so my diet is pretty restrictive but you would think that would make me even healthier. well if you call a new obsession with Doritos, McDonald's, and diet soda healthy- I am the spokesperson! I guess i should be lucky that my nightly craving for a brownie hot fudge sundae doesn't rear its ugly head more frequently- but eating 2 party sized bags of Doritos in two days is not OK (only original cheese please). Then  there's the McDonald's that I need at least once a week- I rarely ate McDonald's before & usually only when very hungover! And the big culprit- diet soda!  I guess it is filling a sweet gap that I cannot fill due to the diabetes but I hate the fact that I am drinking a soda a day. This poor baby- with Jackson I only had one decaf coffee my entire pregnancy and maybe 2 sips of diet coke! I really need to up my salmon and spinach intake but who the hell craves that?!

26 weeks